365 Bucket List

Yesterday brought breast cancer into my life. I don’t know how I’m going to protect my kids from this.

My four-month-old son.

My three-year-old daughter.

How is this happening? I truly believed I was in my quiet stay-at-home era.

Ever since the call, there has been a constant, silent scream in my head along with the urge to take a knife and cut my breasts off. Waiting to do so is excruciating. I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t stare at them in the shower. I don’t want to see them. They betrayed me. They betrayed my family.

I’ve tried to accept this. I’ve tried to make a plan. I’ve tried to remain positive. I’ve tried to put on a brave face for my husband and mother. Mostly, I’ve tried to hide this from my kids. Hard to do when I’m in a living panic attack, but I’m insisting on remaining silent about the issue or code language in front of our toddler.

I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that no matter what happens, I will spend every amount of energy I have to make memories with my little family and keep marking off bucket list items. When I traveled the world, I had the silliest things on my bucket list. Now, I just want to make sure I see their high school graduation.